1. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
2. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."
3. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
4. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said "Thanks."
I said "Don't mention it."
5. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
6. I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
8. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
9. My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."
10. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
11. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is it one or two? One... or two?
12. What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
13. So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.
14. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
17. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
18. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
19. Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
20. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
21. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
22. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said "40."
23. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.
24. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
25. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
26. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
27. Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
28. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
29. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
30. What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people.
31. Knock Knock
Dishes Sean Connery.
32. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"
The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"
33. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
34. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
35. A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
36. People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!
37. My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
38. I've been told I'm condescending.
(that means I talk down to people)
39. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
40. What's ET short for?
He's only got little legs.
41. Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
42. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
43. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
44. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
45. Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.
I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.